


Queer Eye for the Star Spangled Guy

by darth_stitch



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Bucky in Denial, Clint Is a Good Bro, Domestic Avengers, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-25
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 23:24:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2670251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For once, it was not Tony Stark's fault.  After all, he wasn't the one who instigated #Operation Get Steve Rogers Laid.   He was just trying to help!</p>
<p>And then Thor decided that it was fitting that they call upon the assistance of the Five of Fabulousness to help their good Captain find true love and well-deserved happiness at long last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I CRACK WHAT I WANT AT [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/101894257311/queer-eye-for-the-star-spangled-guy-part-one)

For once, it was entirely _not_ Tony Stark’s fault. 

( _I swear, I didn’t do it, Pepper!_ )

So that Tony’s nuts are safe from a literal roasting by his eternally exasperated, loving Significant Other, we really need to start at the beginning.  And in the beginning, there was Bucky. 

So Bucky Barnes, now officially an Avenger, his name officially cleared, in the face of the overwhelming evidence of how HYDRA had effectively wiped him of all his agency and choice and basically subjected him to unimaginable torture, sanity more or less restored, was finally getting back in the groove of his Original Mission.  

Said Original Mission was how to get Steve Rogers Laid. 

_(Ow! Pepper!  It’s not my fault Cap’s the Oldest Living Virgin!)_

Okay, this needs to be rephrased.  In a touching display of loyalty and true friendship ( _see, Rhodey-Bear, you could take lessons from this guy - OW!),_ Bucky had always just wanted to see his Best Friend in All the World happy and hoped he would find - in Bucky’s own words - a “classy dame who’d love him for who he is, and not because he fills out the Captain America tights so nicely.”  Bucky thought that Peggy Carter would’ve been the answer, but everyone knows the story of Captain America by now and how that became the Love That Never Was. 

So basically, Bucky was good and determined to set Steve up on a date.  At the very least. 

And because Russians (even ones who are really ethnically Romanian) stick together, he and Natasha joined forces in the great mission of how to get Steve Rogers on a date.  And since Sam Wilson proved to be a great friend and was, supposedly, a Bastion of Common Sense, he got roped into it as well.

Clint dubbed them the Trio of Evil.  Apparently, Hawkbuns _knows_ something that the other three don’t and he’s not sharing on the grounds of “I know I have intelligent friends, of which at least one used to work for a Super Spy Agency and you guys can figure it out yourselves.” 

Basically, all Tony did was use the Almighty Stark Powers for the cause of Good and America, to secure reservations at this really chic, really good Gordon Ramsey run restaurant ( _Look, Gordon owes me one, okay?_ ) and that was it. 

It was _not_ Tony’s fault that the date supposedly vetted by Bucky, Natasha and Sam, was, in fact, a hopeless Captain America groupie who also happened to be Coulson’s Archenemy on the Captain America forums!  She seemed really nice, really sane, right up until she was confronted with six foot of All American Goodness. 

Steve’s still not coming out of the massive Couch Fort he built, to hide from the Date from Hell.  Currently, food and beverages are being smuggled to him courtesy of Clint and Thor has sworn to protect Steve’s honor. 

(Bruce eventually joined in to make sure Steve wasn’t just being fed a steady diet of pizza by Clint.  _Somebody_ had to make sure Steve was still getting something healthy to eat, super soldier serum or not.)

Eventually, Bucky joined Steve in the Fort, if only because nobody in the Tower, especially the ‘Bots, could stand Bucky’s Face of Tragic Failure anymore. 

So Thor has gotten hooked on this show, courtesy of Darcy Lewis and Jane Foster, and with his typical divine wisdom, had decided to “call forth upon these heroic figures of style and fabulousness to render aid upon our good, worthy Captain!”

Thor contacted the Fab 5, from _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy._

After much discussion with the wise and utterly delightful gentlemen of the Fab 5 ( _Thor’s words, not mine, Pep!_ ) , it was decided that Steve needed a venue where he could actually meet new people, without being seen as simply Captain America.   And of course, everyone kept forgetting that Steve was actually an artist of no mean skill.  

So the event will be a Gallery Exhibit.  And of course, a total makeover for Steve - from a more stylish haircut to better clothes, plus a redo of the boys’ Brooklyn apartment.  And hopefully, Steve finds a potential new love or date material at his exhibit, hooks up and —

_(I’m not going to say “laid” Pep!)_

— love happily ever after.  (Hopefully, without Bucky’s protective instincts going into overdrive and going Winter Soldier over Steve’s potential Psycho Stalkers…)

It can be done, right?

Right?

\- tbc -


	2. The Inevitable Friend Interludes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/101911223671/queer-eye-for-the-star-spangled-guy-the)

Clint is more than happy to give _his_ opinion when it’s time to film the inevitable segments of friends and family giving their feedback on Steve.  When his segment is aired, the caption reads “Clint - Miraculously Sane Person.”

Tony wanted his subtitle to be _Hawkbuns_ but conceded that “Miraculously Sane Person” would have to do, considering what happened with the Trio of Evil. 

Clint looks steadily at the camera with his default “Bitch, please” face on.  It’s fitting, considering what he’s going to say. 

_Okay, so you guys all hear about the whole Captain America monkey circus act, right?  Thing is, while he’s not actually perfect, he’s still really that nice of a guy and at the same time, his secret identity is Captain Sassmerica.  Swear to God._

_He gets a bum deal, you know, ‘cause everyone keeps thinking him as “Cap” first and Steve Rogers second._

_So maybe SOME PEOPLE should stop being so flippin’ oblivious and get their heads out of their…. okay, okay, I don’t want to be bleeped out.  Basically.  People.  Are Being Oblivious.  And I am disappointed.  So very disappointed._

_So I’m hoping the Fab 5 helps Steve out and again to some people I know and I am so disappointed in - STOP. BEING. SO. OBLIVIOUS._

 

* * *

 

Still, her thoughts on Steve are to the point.

_Okay, okay, so the whole Epic Disaster Date - that’s on us.  I was just really relieved that Steve finally agreed to date.  He says that it’s kind of hard to find somebody with “shared life experience.”_

_Yeah, we all know his circumstances are a bit unusual.  But I’m kind of glad he’s got_ Dedushka _to handle the shared life experiences bit, but he still needs to at least try the whole dating concept._

_He’s a friend.  I treasure my friends.  So… Five?  Take care of him._

She looks a bit terrifying at the end.  The last statement is definitely an order that _must_ be obeyed at all costs. 

* * *

 

 

The segment with Bucky is actually an exercise in hilarity, considering his presence in the episode itself. 

His subtitle is “BFF and Member of the Trio of Evil.”

Behind the scenes, he’s asked not to glare so chillingly at the camera.  Finally, Nat catcalls and tells him to think of Bitty!Steve.  The thought of Steve in his original, tiny form is responsible for the faint, amazingly _filthy_ smile that Bucky wears for the rest of the segment.

_He’s a little punk but he deserves to be happy, y’know?_

_I keep trying to set him up with nice dames…. I mean, girls, look, for us, the 1940’s were just like a coupla years ago, okay?  Sorry.  Hand to God, the two of us have been raised by our mothers to be proper gentlemen and to treat women right._

_Thing is, when he’d been cute and bitty, no dame would ever give him the time of day, even though he’s a real prince among men.  I keep telling him, dames like that, don’t deserve his time and that one day, there’s gonna be that one special gal who’ll see my Stevie for the great guy that he is.  He don’t believe me.  He’s an idiot, but he’s my idiot, y’know?_

_So… um…. well, we appreciate the help, Fab Five.  Steve deserves every good thing in this world. Okay?_

 

* * *

Sam’s subtitle is “Other BFF and Member of the Trio of Evil.”

Apparently, he’s seen the other segments.  He wasn’t supposed to, but he did.  And apparently, he’s caught on to whatever it is that Clint is talking about.  So Sam basically spends his segment like this.

_Okay, Steve Rogers is a hella sassy dumbo door next boy._

_Also, he’s not the only person who’s rocking the Captain Oblivious title.  Don’t know how I missed that.  Must be hanging around these jokers for so long, the stupid must be rubbing off on me!_

_Okay, all joking aside, I hope everyone gets to see him as Steve Rogers, who’s a great guy and an actual, honest-to-God good friend, instead of the whole superhero thing and y’know, I hope SOME PEOPLE wise up before it’s too late._

_Fab Five, it’s on you._

 

* * *

Thor has a sense of humor and would have appeared in this segment with his hair in Princess Leia buns, gleefully put up by Darcy.

However, he’s stopped at the last minute by his beloved Lady Jane. 

Thor’s subtitle is “God of Thunder and Matchmaking.”  This is very tongue-in-cheek and sent both Jane and Darcy into gales of laughter. 

Thor, however, will still sneak in a Star Wars reference for his segment. He happens to be a fan of the series - all blame to Tony Stark.  According to Thor, however, the only Good Thing about the Infamous Prequels is the presence of the lovely and valiant Queen Amidala.  

_Help us, Fab Five.  You are our only hope._

 

* * *

_  
_Bruce totally did not mean to Hulk out in the middle of shooting the segment but apparently, Hulk had some things to say about “Cap.”

_Cap good.  Hulk think Cap should be happy.  Fab Five you help Cap._

And then, for the first time, the Hulk actually beams at the camera. 

 

* * *

 

Tony Stark would’ve said more on his segment, except that he _finally_ figured out Clint’s disappointment in everyone, everything and the whole wide world while he’s at it and would have totally done all the spoilers.  Because Tony _loves_ spoilers. 

Tony pouts instead. 

He’s good at that.

So basically, the entire segment is Tony only saying this:

_Look, can we start a trend here? #Captain Oblivious and #Sergeant Oblivious?  Please?_

 

_\- tbc -_


	3. No, Carson, You're Not Allowed To Attack Russia in Winter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cracking up at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/101966896166/queer-eye-for-the-star-spangled-guy-part-three)

So here’s an inescapable truth that everybody should be aware by now.

Reality shows _do_ have a script. 

There _are_ some things that are choreographed and anyone with half a brain can figure out that Thom Filicia, for example, would probably have some help in doing over a person’s home and that process would probably take far longer than _one day._

In the case of _this_ particular Queer Eye episode, the Five were naturally made aware of some very important things regarding a pair of…. uh…. obviously  _platonic_ bachelor friends living together in their quiet Brooklyn apartment - who also happen to be super soldiers who still have a good deal of PTSD to deal with, to say nothing of the fact that one of the said super soldiers also happens to be a deadly assassin who’s really lost none of his skill.  

The Five are heroes in their own ways after all. 

This is just pretty much courtesy, respect and a great deal of common sense. 

But the general script of this whole episode was to showcase Steve Rogers from behind his Captain America mask, introduce everyone to some of his hidden talents, and maybe, if the show gets lucky, they end with Steve being nudged into the direction of an actual, non-stalkery, non-psycho who could be date material. 

The Fab 5 are already old hands at this.  Whether or not their wisdom is accepted and the lessons _stick_ even after they’re gone is completely up to the “straight guy.”

The first hint that things may have gone a bit off script is when they’re greeted at the door by a Bucky Barnes leveling a Winter Soldier glare at them.

Carson is the one who recovers first.  Of course. 

"Brrrrrr — did it get a little cold in here?"

Kyan follows suit and looks at Bucky’s hair critically.  “Oh. My. God.  I could do so, so much with your hair, dude.  And the five o’clock shadow is something you pull off really well, though maybe you could use a little more product for that porcelain skin of yours.  Please let me?”

"I thought we were supposed to be making over Steve Rogers," Ted tries to be the Voice of Sanity here and subtly, he heroically edges forward so Bucky would have to go through him, to get to a cooing Carson and Kyan. 

"I think we’re gonna have to do a two for one deal!" Thom says brightly.  "It’s our patriotic duty!" 

"Ooooh, can we be allowed to attack Russia in winter?" This from Carson. 

"It’s okay," Jai says kindly as Bucky now looks officially spooked out but trying to stand his ground.  "Can we talk to Steve?"

Steve saves them all by calling out from the safety of his Couch Fort.  “I’m in here.”

So of course, Thom speaks out for all of them when he says, “Aw, hello, punkin _._ Y’know, maybe we could do a better Couch Fort, jazz it up a little?  What do you say?”

Steve manages his first real smile in days.  It’s not yet the sunshine smile that everyone has seen from the old newsreels and which is now so very, rarely glimpsed in these days.  But it’s a start. 

Some habits don’t go away and the fact is, Steve and Bucky actually keep a very clean apartment.  It’s leftover from the days when Steve had his asthma and Mrs. Rogers had sternly drilled into the boys the importance of keeping a house pristine and _spotless._

Of course, as a certain playboy, billionaire, philanthropist (with a far more better sense of interior design…. but mostly due to the fact that he does listen to Pepper) has observed, _loudly_ and _often_ , Steve and Bucky are _not_ exactly decorators.  Everything in the apartment is basic, utilitarian, with some obvious spaces for Steve and Bucky’s shared library, Steve’s artwork and materials, the sewing tin, the knitting stuff and Bucky’s photography equipment. 

And of course, the Couch Fort. 

"All right here we go," Thom says, picking up one of Steve’s sketchbooks.  The first thing he sees is a portrait.  "Oh. Wow.  It’s Bucky!"

Thom turns the page.  “Oh, hey it’s Bucky again.  And here’s another one of Bucky.  And another.”  He levels an entirely too innocent look at Steve.  “You’re _really_ good at this.”   The compliment is actually sincere.

Steve is beet red and brings up a hand to scratch the back of his neck.  “Um.  Favorite subject?  Look, I have a few New York scenes!” 

Thom beams at him. “So basically, I’m really glad that I’m not actually gonna have to work in a _hovel_ but you’re an artist so it would be nice if things also look _pretty_.”

"Yeah, I see what you mean.  We kind of like being functional most of the time though."

"Functional is also key.  So I’m looking at your drawings so I can get a sense of your design aesthetics and how you want us to rework your space."

"Well, I do want a nice space with plenty of light so I can draw.  And then there’s Bucky with his own stuff - he definitely needs his own workspace too."

Thom beams.  “There you go, punkin.  Talk design to me.”

* * *

 

"Wait, I thought you fellas were just going to give Steve the makeover!" Bucky protests.  Loudly. 

"Make _-better_ ,” Kyan corrects.  His attempt at an angelic expression is reminiscent of Natasha’s and it’s nearly as terrifying.  “Two for one deal.  Steve already has beautiful skin though you both could use a lesson in using proper product for moisturizing.  Your buddy has agreed to trust me on his hair but  _you_ need salvation, brother.” 

Bucky crosses his arms over his chest and glares.  Again.  “I ain’t getting in no barber’s chair.  I like my hair the way it is.”

Kyan softens.  “Nobody wants you to chop off those luscious locks, okay?  We just want to show you how to give it a little more definition, take care of it better, look a little less trash hobo and more sexy Romanian vampire Prince.  Um.  Maybe without the sparkling.  We’re aiming for a healthy glow.”

Bucky snorts.  “My Grampy would absolutely _love_ you.  But, I still don’t want any strangers coming near me with scissors.  It ain’t me being a stubborn ass.  It’s just…”  He lifts his hands expressively. 

Kyan blinks.  “Oh.”  And then _he_ blushes.  “I’m sorry, bro.”

"S’okay.  Steve usually cuts my hair for me when it’s being a pain."

And at that, Kyan perks up.  “He does?  Maybe he can take some direction.  Steve!  You up for getting some new haircut and styling lessons?”

"Sure.  Um.  _What?”_

* * *

 

The Tony interlude goes like this. 

_Bucky Bear’s getting a makeover too?  And he’s actually agreeing to this without bloodshed?_

Clint’s reaction is helpless laughter. 

Thor is beaming.  _Verily, I was right to trust in your skills, Five of Fabulousness!_

* * *

_All things just keep getting better…._

 

_\- tbc -_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wasn’t actually supposed to get a make-better. But then, my Kyan Muse snuck up on me and DEMANDED this.  When Carson joined in, I was doomed. 


	4. In Which Carson is Confronted with Khaki Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Crack Ship at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/102058386841/queer-eye-for-the-star-spangled-guy-part-four)

"You know what?" Carson says dreamily as he looks through Steve’s closet.  "I am _so_ relieved that I do not have to wear a hazmat suit while I go through your closet.  Please tell me Bucky Bear’s a neat freak too?”

"Um, only with his clean clothes — "

And then Carson screams.  “AAAAUGGGH MY GOD!!! KHAKI HELL!”

From the hallway, Ted’s voice is soothing,  “Stand down, soldier, it’s just Carson having a fashion breakdown.”

And then there was Thom, “You sure that wasn’t an orgasm?”

"Carson doesn’t believe in poaching, boo.  Bad karma," Jai chimes in. 

Steve is hoping that Bucky is not as hopelessly confused as he is. 

"Okay, sweetie sugar pie honey bunch, it’s not that I don’t appreciate a good pair of slacks and khaki pants but _you_ need to remember that _jeans_ are an actual thing now.  We can wear them.  Repeat after me:  I can rock denim.”

Steve parrots it dutifully.  And gets a pat perilously close to his rear end for his trouble.  He eeps. 

"Oh, that future boyfriend and BFF of yours is a lucky so and so," Carson muses. 

"Boyfriend?!"

Carson blissfully plunges onwards.  “Okay, I won’t take away all the khaki from you but we need better fitting pants.  Covering up that ass of yours is a CRIME, okay? And you’re supposed to stand for Truth, Justice and the American Way!”

"I think that was Superman."

"Pfft, whatever.  Also - who on earth told you to wear this size t-shirt?" 

"Oh, those are my friends Milo and Bean, from this store I shop at.  They keep pushing me to wear more denim too. Heh." 

"Your friends deserve Medals of Honor.  You need to introduce me."  

* * *

 

"Super soldiers! Super soldier appetites!  Super soldiers who can cook!"  Ted is absolutely gleeful about it. 

Steve and Bucky are actually comfortable for the first time since the Five invaded their home.  The truth is that _both of them_ cook, bringing in their respective mamas’ recipes to the kitchen.  The fact that they’re now out of the Depression and have the money to spend and the available resources to spend them on means that they do have a well-stocked kitchen. 

It’s revealed that Steve and Bucky are shameless _Iron Chef_ fans. 

Ted wants to weep with joy at having such attentive students. 

"So the lovely Miss Pepper tells me that the food for your gallery exhibit is taken care of - standard cocktails, _hors d’oeuvres_ … we don’t have to worry about that anymore.  So that leaves us with…. the romantic dinner afterwards!”

Bucky sputters and Steve goes _very_ pink.  “ _Romantic_ dinner?”  Yes, both men speak in tandem. 

Ted recovers smoothly.  “Wrong choice of words.  BFF Dinner.  Celebrating!  Judging from what your buddies tell me, you’ll both be hungry afterwards, so I’m setting you up with something you can whip up easy, without having to resort to heating something in a can.”

Ted makes them flip for the two recipes, which both men actually end up settling by getting perilously close to dragging Ted into a puppy pile.  

Bucky ends up learning how to prepare _Baked Chicken Breasts with Parmesan Crust_.  Steve gets the _Primavera with Prosciutto, Asparagus and Carrots._ It’s all win-win.  

* * *

 

Jai’s the one who gets to review Steve’s artwork for the gallery opening. 

 "You really have a gift for portraiture," Jai says thoughtfully, looking over Steve’s sketchbooks and because this is just Steve’s pure, terrible luck, Jai ends up with the one that’s nearly _all. about. Bucky._ “There’s a lot of stories that you’re telling about the subject.  Especially this one.  It’s heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.”

It looks like that Steve really _is_ capable of blushing with his entire body.  But he recovers.  “Well, I guess it _is_ a story that’s got elements of both.  Not a lot of people see it and I think it deserves to be told.”  This last sentence is punctuated with his patented Captain America earnestness.  

Jai nods.  “He’s a hero.”

And since he’s not going to be teased for some… uh… _very_ obvious things that the Five have picked up on, Steve relaxes.  That and because Bucky has been hauled away by Carson for his own fashion inspection and is not present when this discussion is happening. 

Steve’s expression says everything.  “He was my hero from the very beginning.  I guess I’d just like to make sure everyone knows that.” 

"So, you up for definitely including this series in your gallery?"  Jai challenges.

"Yeah.  Guess I am."

* * *

 

Of course, Tony has another interlude.  
  
 _The fact that Hunt for Red Bucktober hasn’t maimed Carson is a miracle!_  

Natasha is seen rolling her eyes.

_Dedushka isn’t that careless._

* * *

_… you came into my life and the world never looked so bright!_

\- tbc -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Nat playfully calls Bucky _Dedushka_ \- it’s the joke that keeps on giving.  :P __  
> Yes,[im-the-punk-who](http://tmblr.co/mnC7zr6XbP-Hs8AODjs4e1A) and [beaniebaneenie](http://tmblr.co/mc9G-J9VH9urXi9mTR29JQg) \- I have made you two responsible for selling Steve all those impossibly tight t-shirts! :P

**Author's Note:**

> I am utterly without any shame or excuses for this Exercise in Ridiculousness.


End file.
